My Choice
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Lonliness is becoming a real concern to me.
I am realizing that because of choices I am making, I am pushing people away. Consciously pushing them? I don't really know, but they are pushed none-the-less.
For example, I work graveyards. Sure I still have a social life, but it's when I choose to. I choose the day, the time, and quite frankly, friends are not at beck and call to be friends when I'm ready for them. Friendships take sacrifice.
Also, I'm talking about moving off-campus a lot lately, for Junior year, simply because the school and its housing rules are not very accomodating for someone with my work schedule. So yet again, I choose to go away from friends and people. As Steve said to me just earlier this week, "You're the first person to come and hang out" and even so, we were studying for mid-term. Nobody will come and visit, nice and genuine friends as they are, as much as they mean to.
Sometimes I'm quite the jerk. I say seriously retarded things like, "You're not a girl". I do equally retarded things, like rip out a patch of chest hair and put it on Dave's plate. These are not things people are gonna want to hang around me for doing.
Instead I'd like to be normal, embrassing, if not welcoming in my manner and friendly in speech. Not saying I don't like who I am, but because of the words I choose, the housing I choose and the job I choose, I'm going to get super lonely, fast, and I'm already starting to feel it.
I am realizing that because of choices I am making, I am pushing people away. Consciously pushing them? I don't really know, but they are pushed none-the-less.
For example, I work graveyards. Sure I still have a social life, but it's when I choose to. I choose the day, the time, and quite frankly, friends are not at beck and call to be friends when I'm ready for them. Friendships take sacrifice.
Also, I'm talking about moving off-campus a lot lately, for Junior year, simply because the school and its housing rules are not very accomodating for someone with my work schedule. So yet again, I choose to go away from friends and people. As Steve said to me just earlier this week, "You're the first person to come and hang out" and even so, we were studying for mid-term. Nobody will come and visit, nice and genuine friends as they are, as much as they mean to.
Sometimes I'm quite the jerk. I say seriously retarded things like, "You're not a girl". I do equally retarded things, like rip out a patch of chest hair and put it on Dave's plate. These are not things people are gonna want to hang around me for doing.
Instead I'd like to be normal, embrassing, if not welcoming in my manner and friendly in speech. Not saying I don't like who I am, but because of the words I choose, the housing I choose and the job I choose, I'm going to get super lonely, fast, and I'm already starting to feel it.