Surely, some of you have heard the enigma, spoken by Dave, at one point or another, "No! I'm buying slurpee!" Ever pondered its meaning? Ever tempt to fathom its depths? I presnet to you its explination in full, as it was explored apirl of 2004.
No! I'm buying Slurpee!
My trip to college this year has been one of great growth and of great realization. Many of my lessons have included religious and theological learnings, musical learnings, but most importantly womanly learnings. Through a process of continual masochism and in-depth characteristic analysis, it has become obvious that the outstanding and overall philosophical view of woman dealings boils down to the phrase, “No! I’m buying slurpee.” Where did this phrase come from? What does it mean, financially, characteristically, and philosophically?
The story of the great phrase is one of simple matters. A fellow Dave and a fellow Andrew were going to 7-11 for random reasons. This was slightly after a recent trip to Burger King, where four kings of the Kingdom of Blue were awarded crowns. As fellow Dave was walking to the 7-11, a car full of girls said, “Hey, you!” and Dave says, “What?” They told him to come here, meaning to see them at their car. Dave’s answer was one of true depth and enlightenment far beyond human standards. He said, “No! I’m buying slurpee”. Dave inevitably followed the women’s commands, but the phrase resounded as the shockwave of newfound understanding struck all men present. See, the girl simply wanted Dave for his crown as we later found out, and as the nice guy he is, he gave it to them.
It is interesting to note the response time in Dave’s answer. He did not ponder his response for a long time at all. In fact, one might say it was almost intuitive, perhaps native to his thought process.
The first half of Dave’s awesome response is very clear. He says, “No!” This is indicative of a resistant nature. Not only will he not go to the car (which he did anyways), but he is also resistant to the entire species of women. A day spent with Dave will surely land you a hearing of the phrase “Boo girls”. “No! I’m buying slurpee” is a sure-fire way to declare “Umm, get the heck away from me”.
Furthermore, we may note that Dave wishes to drink slurpee over talking to a group of girls. A drink of slurpee costs $1.39 before taxes. A woman may cost, approximately $77,144 (based on the cost of one date per week of $50 for 25 years, the cost of a wedding and reception, wedding ring, and a bouquet of flowers for once a month for 25 years for everytime the guy screws up). It is obvious that Dave is financially inclined, wishing to spend $1.39 instead of the obviously over expensive $77,144.
Lastly, we may see a perhaps counseled effort to keep his mind on the straight and narrow. The prominently quick deliver of the line would almost seem to indicate a prepared line-circumstance delivery scenario. Dave, being prepared to meet girls has consulted the think-tank of woman meeting possibilities, and coined the phrase in advance in order to cut off their militaristic advance before it begins.
In conclusion, may it be forever known that the phrase “No! I’m buying slurpee” is not just a reference to a random event. No. Infact, it is the delivery of the essence of man, revolting against the pulls and ways of woman. This is the greatest lesson learnt at college this year. May it serve many as greatly as it has me.