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ranDOMinion
where ranDOMness is key...

Roxanne, Don't Put on the Red Shorts

Saturday, July 29, 2006
There is only one thing worse than lying about an online IQ test in effort to masquerade an intelligence: wearing bright red short shorts...when you're 80.


Please. Please. Please don't. Just... go home and put some pants on.

Today

Friday, July 28, 2006
Today is today just as yesterday was today and tomorrow will today at one point. All of these todays come and go and I am never living in them. Sadly I'm always living in the yesterday or the tomorrow. And then there is that whole thing about learning is doing. That's tough. I mean based upon that principle I probably have an IQ of 23. I know all this stuff about how to live and abide by Biblical conduct etc, but I have such a hard time doing it. And for some reason I never remember to call out to God to help me, again because my IQ is around 23! BAH.

How Not to Write a Bad Blog

Monday, July 24, 2006
Reading blogs can be a lot of fun. Reading blogs can also be a great big bore. You know the kind?--Open the page, full of hope, that maybe there's even just some dirt on this person's life... But alas, none of it makes any sense and it's not even interesting. I suppose this is the reason for the success of Soap Operas: real life is often boring.

And so, not in any attempt to classify myself a calibur or even a veteran blog writer, I hereby present to you, my lovèd readers and perhaps fellow bloggers, a list of a few tips to help you in your quest to write a better blog.

1) You know you're reading a horrible blog when the word "life" is the subject of any phrase. Example: "Life is great" or "Life sucks" or "Life is an interesting journey" or "I have no life" (note, in the last phrase, "I" is the subject, and not life, but the example is as equally horrifying as any of the above). Avoid this at all costs.

2) Know the purpose of your blog. Is it a gathering place for people to say stupid things and make comment of said stupid things (perhaps ranDOMinion is such a place). Is it a medium for recording feelings, thoughts, anecdotes? Do you point fun at the world through a creative format (I love Stopfive).

3) Always, always consider your audience. Do you want so-and-so to read what you're writing? Well, if it's on the internet (really, I should say "when" and not "if" since every blog is on the internet), you've got a fat chance in hell that they're not reading it. If you want things to be kept private, don't write it. Also, perhaps many of your readers don't have a flipping clue of what you're talking about. Feel free to indulge, make us understand.

4) Don't substitute telling people about your issues for writing about your issues to satisfy peoples' curiosoty. I mean that to say this: blog all you want, but make sure that you actively pursue your friends and that they actively pursue you. A friend who passively seeks information as to your well-being is perhaps one who is not friend enough to see the pain in your eye. Once you have real conversations, you'll find you have different things to blog about... Unless ofcourse you want it that way.

5) This piece of advice is very personal for me, so feel free to disagree. However, grammar is huge. I mean you can't escape it. If you want people to read properly, then write properly. It's very difficult to read a blog when you have to re-learn to read before you can do it. I tend to skip these blogs.

6) Lastly, I give you the words of my grade 8, 10, and 12 English teacher: "Show, don't tell". This advice falls in the style by which you write, and goes to account for 478 posts here. You can say, "I went to bed," or you can say, "After I slept..." The difference is subtle, but the effect is enormous. Going to bed is rarely a highlight event, so why do you give it its own clause? Make it a semi-clause only to introduce your whole point; "After I slept, I found out etcetc." We still know you went to bed.

Anyways... I don't mean to discredit any blogs or any specific person in their writing, just that I have pet peeves about reading as much as I do about breathing. I suppose I'm irritable.

Who Would Win - Part 3!

Friday, July 21, 2006
From days of old, there once was a thing called "Who Would Win?" It ran for a while, even had a Part 2.

But alas, the time has come. I pose you this question: A stampeding bull vs a stampeding Otto--who would win??

Cast your vote! Heck, even validate your vote with some reasoning or some scrupulous bantering.

My vote goes to the bull for this reason: what kind of a mythical creature refers to himself by his last name, and points folly at his peers for no reason? A losing mythical creature. Losing in a stampede, that is.

EAT IT OTTO.

A Function of Malice: Reasons Why Batman Sucks

Wednesday, July 19, 2006
1. No super powers.
2. Mommy and Daddy die. Hah!
3. Batmobile? Full of himself much?
4. His butler does all the real work.
5. No super powers.

**Note: this is not a StopFiveRecord, but does borrow the format.

30

Monday, July 17, 2006
Mowing grass 5' tall is not condusive to a relaxing night. No, instead, it's very good at making sure you're going to scratch yourself all night.

That's right. Perhaps in 30 different places, by 30 mosquito bites. Perhaps for 30 hours. Or until you're 30 years old. Camomile lotion (really good at making itches go away) costs about $29.99, depending on the brand and size of jar.

Thirty is it. Mosquitoes are not it. Ugh.

Stranger in the Photo

Wednesday, July 12, 2006
You, there. Staring back at me. Your gaze is unbroken, your smile ever-preserved. From within that golden frame, and from behind the glass to which you are contained, you are silent, and unwaivering. You don't smile, you don't frown. I may say something stupid or make a face, but you're cold--completely void of any reaction. You are not the person I knew...You are a stranger I have invited into my home.

It's easy to forget about their pleasent laughter, their irrational nervousness, the wrinkles from the corner of their eyes when all I have to see is you. You are but a poor substitute, a replica which fails to mimmick. There is no feeling to the back of your head, no sound to your voice, and you certainly don't ask for one more minute.

But if there is anything that you are not, it is unwelcome. I know it's likely I won't have to beg you to stay, but I think I would be even more crazy if you left. Please don't mistake my grumbling for ingratefulness.

I guess, deep down, all that I want is the day where I no longer have to speak to you, even the few words we share, because your presence, though appreciated, will no longer be functional, but simply decorational. You may dread it, stranger, but I will relish it.

Version 4?

Monday, July 10, 2006
Well...

In brief: I was sick of looking at ranDOMinion through 4 scroll bars on low-resolution monitors. Also sick of: trying to make things work for both IE and Firefox. This should be fine. Also: sick of reading complaining about tagboard; note: fixed.

It's not quite finished. Some of the links on the side are goofy (meaning non-functional or are in nature silly). Since this is an early draft, and I'm actually posting a working, non-finished code (first time for ranDOMinion), I have opportunity to take requests or suggestions.

But alas, the heart of the matter: return of the ranDOMinion banner! Remember the good ol' days in ranDOMinion v.1 or v.2? They had those zaney, out-of-place, humourous, yet sad 800x200 pixel banners? I propose a contest: in paint, or in photoshop or in any drawing program you might have, draw up a banner that is 400 pixels wide and 100 pixels tall, save it in jpeg and e-mail it to me. All submissions will be posted and a vote will be had, to determine this ranDOMinion's first banner.

Anyways, tell me what you think. I'm sure most of you would, even if I hadn't beseeched you.

Ticks

Thursday, July 06, 2006
This guy ticks me off.

He makes $100,000 and complains that he has to pay for his older girlfriend's dates, since she is old-fashioned.

Gimme a freakin' break! You make $100,000!! Even with two kids in college (who should pay for themselves, but you're a nice guy anyways), unless they're going to Harvard or Princeton, they're probably spending less than $10,000 each per year, leaving you with over $80,000--which is still WAY above national average income.

So, buddy with too much money for brains, CRAM IT. It's people like you that make this world suck. Give everything you have to the poor and follow Jesus. Then, and only then, we can be friends...

Ok, so maybe, we can be friends--if we were ever to meet (heaven forbid!). But... really, crammez-le!